Caffeinated Thoughts

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How many times have I sworn not to drink coffee anymore?  I could not count.  I always break my promises.

A little bit won’t hurt. Probably a small size or a grande won’t make any difference. I’d always say.

Trust me; my relationship with coffee is the hardest to break up with. I didn’t even realize I was in a serious relationship with it until 2013. I’ve started my no-strings attached relationship with coffee when I was in college. The only reason I drink too much coffee back then was because I have to be awake 24/7 for our thesis project.

After graduation, I thought I could be able to stop the addiction. One cup a day was enough until I entered the BPO industry where I have to be awake at night, which I didn’t much have struggle for I have been doing it for nearly two years. But the calling for coffee became stronger. It’s always a great debate between my body and my mind, and always, my mind would win. Thus two, three, four cups a day until I already lost count.

There was a time when I don’t take my meal, only a couple cups of coffee. I’ve lived like that for a few months. Of course, I lost too much weight that my Mom worried and I had to start counting cups again.

When I arrived Cebu, I disciplined myself… a little. I replaced coffee with green tea and it somehow worked for about a month until the calling of the sweet sensation of the scent of Coffee had started dragging me back to it. When I was diagnosed for having a hyper acidity, my doctor told me to replace caffeine with non-fat milk or chocolate drink. I tried- probably hard enough that I would only drink a cup of coffee every weekend.  Until each passing day, the smell of coffee would drive me insane that I would break my rule and drink a cup almost every day.

Honestly, I was so dumb about my body until earlier this year I’ve experienced my first anxiety attack. I think I’ve had anxiety attacks before but didn’t recognize them. I gulped in a large sized cup of Café Americano that day because I was too sleepy and I need energy to survive a nine-hour shift. I started feeling like my body is not weakening anymore, and I took that as a good sign. Few hours after, I started to feel almost all of the impulses of my body getting faster. I felt my heart beat faster. The more my body wasn’t relaxing anymore. I was talking to people without even knowing where those words are coming from. My thoughts would easily process, I also got too sensitive with the things around me. I felt like there’s some kind of powers in me.

I went home at twelve noon that day, although my shift ended at ten. I went home and was unable to sleep until around eight in the evening. I didn’t take any meds because, well… I don’t have any. I just drank water as much as I can. My nerves didn’t calm. My heart was still beating faster than usual. And as expected, I was absent the following day.

After that incident, I broke up with Café Americano because I thought it’s all because of it. Looks like I’m wrong.

Today, as I write this in my computer, I’m feeling my pulses again, my heart beating faster than usual and my thoughts are coming out of nowhere (I guess). And later when I’m no longer anxious, I’ll be thinking where the heck did all these stuff came from?

It was just a small sized cup of iced Café Mocha. I didn’t even think about Café Latte because I know, it’s stronger than Mocha. But it seems like, everything’s the same. Be it Americano, Latte or Mocha, for as long as it’s Coffee, I’m gonna have this attack every now and then. I can be grateful because it seems that I can write my heart out and even dance my heart out when I’m feeling like this. But I can’t sleep! And I need to get some rest for tomorrow’s shift- or should I say, tonight?

I don’t know. It’s like a love-hate relationship. I’ll hate coffee now and once anxiety is absent, I’ll love it again.

I cannot relax. I don’t even know how and when this typing of these thoughts will end. I’ve already did some stretching, danced until I was already catching my breath, took a cold shower (or should I took hot shower instead?) I haven’t washed the coffee taste with water though. Should I do it now?

(After gulping 2 glasses of water…)

Jezzz! My entire body is shaking I can’t walk properly, I didn’t even feel the water ran into my esophagus! Normally, I could not even finish a whole glass of warm water, but today, I just drank everything. I wasn’t thirsty-probably I am, but I can’t feel it. Should I drink more? Or should I go and get my self some chamomile tea? But it’s raining! I don’t have a stock. Which reminds me that I should start buying and stocking some chamomile tea.

I think I should lie now and try to relax my mind and body.

Bye!

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