Diary

06.30.17

I sat on the floor, my back against the side of the bed starring at my almost full calendar barely able to tell what I’m feeling at the moment. There’s that stomach cramps which started earlier this morning but still manageable.

I’ve been keeping a calendar very close lately in an attempt to do yet another Happiness Project. However, due to the wrong turn of events, I have already longed abandoned the project but the calendar is staying. I am very terrible in keeping challenges or projects like this one. I am just at the start generally lying to myself that I can create new habits, make myself happier and just become better than before.

I took a sudden off from work today because if I’m going to be honest with my Manager, I don’t really feel like coming to work today- most days, actually. Things are becoming monochromatic that it appears to be a single color blocked in different shapes instead of the other way around. Too monotonous that with or without effort the result is the same. Am I too exhausted? Probably. And for the longest time, I’ve been keeping my arse on the same place because I don’t want to regret things which I already am about the things I used to have. But then, I turn on my phone and see what’s on my news feed, read a few pages of my diary revisit old posts and wonder in exasperation why on earth am I sticking around?

I’ve always wanted to do something different which is why I’ve packed my stuff and moved back to Manila. The bad news is, I’ve always been a coward. It was in front of me, waiting to be snatched but I ran away afraid that I’ll be loosing more than what I’ll be gaining later. It has been like this: even before I hand over my portfolio I was already running away.

Why do I double take? Cowardice.it.is. And it seems to be my trademark. I wonder when will I eventually be courageous enough to drop my bullshits and just do things right away without procrastinating? I should be smart enough.

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